Wednesday, April 1, 2009

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

NOOOOOO!! No! No no no no no no no!!! No. No. No. No. No! Noooooo! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! The dreaded horrible worst-case scenario has occurred. For the last week or so I have noticed a flat, red, almost rashy-looking spread all over the tops of my breasts. Quite unattractive. I thought my bra was rubbing me. I thought I was having nipple changes. I clearly had no idea what in the world was befalling me. When I got out of the shower today I looked more closely. I am covered with STRETCH MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can this be happening???? ANYWHERE ELSE WOULD BE BETTER! My monstrous balloon of a belly which is 80 times its normal size is smooth as a baby's butt! And my once creamy-skinned breasts are HIDEOUS!!! They are only about twice their normal size and they are RUINED! I'm not kidding, it's not pretty. If I swore, I would be swearing right now. In fact, I never swear, and yet swear words nonetheless found their way to my mind. Not to mention that if my breasts gain approximately one more ounce they will lose all sense of perkiness and possibly sag to my toes.

I can tell that the stretch marks are in their light-pinky infancy stage, and thus will spread more and become much brighter. I naively said a quick prayer at the onset of pregnancy that I would be spared the horrors of stretch marks (thinking of my stomach, for heaven's sake, which would be much preferable to this) and figured I was covered. Oooooooh no. Oooooooh the naivete. I wish I could show you so you could feel my pain. But I don't think Dave would like that.

8 comments:

nicole said...

Tragic and distressing.

Maybe Dave should start figuring the price of a breast lift into the budget. :)

Will and Sandy said...

I prefer to call them tiger stripes:)

Staci said...

I am so sorry that you experiencing this tragedy. It's just priming you for many new physical "adventures" yet to come.

Emily said...

All I can think to say is

:(

Whattteverrrr ! said...

hi, I started reading your blog almost a year back...and Congratulations... you might know this but just in case you dont:
you need to take care of your streching skin now mix some vitamin E with your regular lotion apply twice daily..Vitamin E imparts elasticity to the skin, and Strech marks are caused due to skin tissues which cannot come back to original shape...So get going girl...

Robyn said...

I thought I had escaped the stretch marks with Sophie and didn't know I had them under the belly (which I couldn't see) until after she was out. They get better and it is a badge of honor. Also, I wish you all the luck with keeping a perky boob after nursing. If anyone deserves them you do!

Jessica said...

I swear I'm not laughing....
You do need to moisturize like CRAZY every single day. My friend used some sort of oil and never got stretch marks, of course, she also had a 4 pound 8 ounce baby...soooo....
I used the super thick cocoa butter with vitamin e. not the fancy "designed for stretch marks" one but the regular giant bottle of cocoa butter lotion one. It's super inexpensive and totally works. If you don't mind smelling like suntan lotion it's totally the way to go.

Valerie and Mercado Family said...

I had a few stretch marks on my breasts with Victoria and on my butt (go figure), but I can't see them anymore and I didn't get any with Karissa, nor no I have any now, unless I'm just completely oblivious to them now. Of course I never got any on my stomach either, which, as you said, gets a thousand times bigger than any other part!! So, there's still hope!