Thursday, May 6, 2010

Mission Accomplished

** Since it happens so rarely, I am legally required to note at the beginning of this blog post that it is, indeed, posted by Dave -- not Jessica. She had nothing to do with this.**

SITUATION: New CPAP machine (also known as the "I've Given Up On Looking Cool For The Rest of My Life" machine) now makes it possible for me to sleep in my own bedroom with baby and wife (whilst wearing a mask that best resembles a cassowary):



"Hi, I'm a cassowary. Some people think I'm wearing a CPAP mask, but I'm not."

"Stupid humans."


Such a bed configuration would require an extra-large bed rail that includes:

  • 14 pieces

  • 78 diagrams

  • 592 steps

  • 7,658 warnings and/or precautions
CHALLENGE: After beginning installation of said baby bed rail, both baby and wife fall asleep -- ON THE BED I'M INSTALLING THE BED RAIL ON.


TASK: Install baby bed rail on our king-sized bed -- including the stabilization rod that needs to go under the mattress -- without waking the sleeping baby (and, if possible, the Missuz).


Not our actual bed, bed rail or baby. I just blatantly stole this off Google Images. Annalise and/or Jess is much cuter than this baby.

And if you're reading this and it's YOUR baby... I was kidding.

RESULT: Baby bed rail is installed without the baby even moving, and wife was only minimally disturbed during the entire assembly and installation process -- which included two ropes attached to anchors on the far side of the bed.

"Levitating semi-transparent bed in Diagram 19 not included."

What's that, you say? What kind of person could pull off such an accomplishment? Wouldn't they have to be a ninja?


Welp - funny you should say that... because the instructions show a masked ninja installing the bed rail:

"Once installed, your horizontal bed rail bar can also be used to fend off intruders with long wing spans (See Diagram 1)."

"If you can't see where to install the rods in Diagrams 15a and 15b because of your ninja mask, just look for the giant circle."

"Before using your ninja skills to assemble the rail's stabilizing rods, try to crack a smile through your ninja mask for the illustrator (Diagram 13)."


"No ninja baby bed rail is complete without a pleasant summer baby dress to hang on it."

Seriously, I love how far we've come that we're replacing gender and ethnic-neutral images with just plain masked ninjas. This made my night.

So tonight, I get to sleep in the bedroom with my wife and baby.

Sweet Masked Ninja-Assembled Baby Bed Rail Dreams, My Dear Child:

3 comments:

Diana said...

Congrats Dave. I am glad you are back in the room. Hope your snoring is better!! I used to hear it all the way down the hall!! Just kidding. Have a great night sleep!!!

Todd Hillyard said...

Congrats on both the return and the obvious adoration of ninjas.

nicole said...

Have to show this post to Max. He is into ninjas right now.