BLAH BLAH BLOGGING

It's very hard to believe I'm pregnant. You might think the constant torturous mind-blowing nausea might make it all a little bit more real, but no.

Maybe because it happened so easily. With Annalise, I wanted to get pregnant from the instant we got married. Dave wanted to wait a year. I thought about it constantly, yearned for it, dreamed of it, would do anything for it. It seemed like every fiber, every cell of my being was screaming for it. The desire to have a baby was overwhelming in its intensity. After a few months, Dave agreed and we got pregnant not the first month we tried (I was convinced something was terribly wrong with one of us and discussed at length with Dave my overly-researched fears and the corresponding medical options available) but the second month.

This time, quite out of the blue, I felt ready to have another baby. This was after a very serious pinky-swear to the contrary Dave and I made in the delivery room after Annalise arrived, as well as almost a year and a half of telling each other there was no way we could ever do any of it again. This was after perhaps a millisecond of finally feeling able to at least tread water in life without feeling like I was drowning every day and every night.

I gave a good sell to Dave. The conversation lasted an hour and a hour. Dave was adament and not buying. He could not do it and he would not do it. I came away feeling satisfied that at least he knew how I felt and it was not my responsibility to talk him into anything or convince him of anything.

Quite to my surprise, by the next night he had changed his mind. I became pregnant three days later.

Having Annalise around meant that I never got to obsess about it beforehand (much too busy with her instead), nor have I been able to think much about it afterwards (much too busy with her instead!). I haven't read the books this time that detail the growth of the fetus day by day, nor have I daily scoured the internet for images of grape-sized embryos that match the age of my own. I'm a little too busy to be self-indulgent.

I pray these uncomfortable months fly quickly by (and to tell the truth that the sleepless newborn months fly quickly too) and that someday soon, all four of us can snuggle together on the bed, no one crying, no one waking, sleeping peacefully, for hours and hours and hours at a time. Aah, what a lovely dream. :)