Thursday, November 13, 2008

Check, please!

When the line in my store reaches epic proportions like it did today, they call in people from all the departments to ring folks up and move them along. Naturally, people are in a hurry and thus often annoyed. I jogged up to a free register and my first customer approached.

"Hi," she said, pausing and smiling.

"Hi," I said very quickly, booping the calendar she was buying with the booper and ringing up her total in record time.

"$14.99," I announced and she looked from me to the calendar slowly.

"So it's a dollar cheaper than the price tag says?" she asked pleasantly.

"Uh, no, it says $14.99 right here," I told her, pointing to the sticker.

"But you said $13.99," she said.

No, actually I didn't. And the line is getting longer by the second.

"Maybe it sounded like that," I told her. "But it's $14.99. It says it right here and that's what it rings up as."

"But you said $13.99," she said again.

False. Negatory. Falsetto.

"I said $14.99. Because it's $14.99. If you want the calendar, you will have to give me $14.99."

"Oh, yes, I want it," she said and began rummaging through her purse for her checkbook. I hate when people use checks because it takes longer than any other form of payment and she was already holding me up. Every other checker had helped at least two customers in the time this was taking.

Calendar Lady found her checkbook and laid it on the counter without opening it. "I really don't like buying things when they're not on sale," she told me. "Last year I bought a calendar here and it was on sale."

That is lovely and I am so interested in that fact.

"Mmm," I managed.

"But I would have to wait to get this on sale," she continued. "How long do you think I would have to wait until this went on sale? I think until December. It was at least December before I got my calendar last year. Hmm. Hmm." She stared at the ceiling, debating. Slowly.

"They don't tell us the sales ahead of time," I told her.

"Hmm," she said. "Sale. Hmm."

If I was famous, I would have been sure Ashton Kutcher was just about to jump out from behind an endcap and scream, "Punked!!!"

"This is the last one," she informed me. "The very last one. And it's so pretty." Even if I hadn't been ready to stab out my eyeballs already, I would not have agreed. In fact, it was decidedly hideous.

"It's lovely," I told her.

"Okay!" she made up her mind. "Okay, I'm going to get it!"

She found a pen and held it to her lips. "$14.99, you said? To the penny?"


She meticulously printed the numbers. "What is the date today?"

I told her. She thought about my answer for a while. Then she wrote it in carefully.

"Where am I? Craft Warehouse?"

"Yes," I told her. She took her time creating the words.

Forty-nine people in line behind her were shooting her their evilest evil eyes in unison.

She'd have been better off letting me write the check for her. It was like a test where she copied all the answes except one: she did not ask me what name she should sign. For that, I was almost impressed.


dana said...

haha. hilarious. I miss working in retail! (just for the stories)

Courtney said...

I always end up getting stuck behind these lunatics in stores. Always. I feel your pain.

M-A said...

that was me with a wig:) we have it all camera...

what was the calendar of, out of curiosity?

Anonymous said...

People are so very strange sometimes. LOL! Makes for great blogging stories!! Was that the story you were going to tell me?? So funny! (annoying for you, I am sure!)

Emily said...

Nice one... yeah, that happens... far too often... not so painful when it's not the holidays though. If nobody was behind her, it wouldn't even bother me all that much. Of course, if nobody was behind her, she might have made a show and tried to get it for $13.99, which would have been extremely annoying.

The Janecks said...

That is so funny!! I needed a laugh. I to always seem to get behind those people. Checks would be better used as T.P.

Staci said...

Have you seen that SNL skit where Kristen Wiig plays a Target cashier? It think you should check it out and use some of her skills in situations like this.

Nicole said...

I like how you call it a "booper" and you "boop" things with it.

Jessica said...

M-A, the calendar was your typical paintings of flowers with fruit. Very eighties too. And very hideous.

McKeehan's said...

You know it is funny because my mom used the word boop as a slang for a fart. I must have read and reread that sentence many times over. Wow -- i thought someone else uses that expression too. Then I decided based on the context that it just did not work. Hilarious read even if you used booping in a different context than I grew up with.

Jen said...

I wanted to scream just reading that!!!!!!!!