My cuteness is a curse

If it were up to me I would be the ugliest dog on earth. That way people wouldn't want to touch me. Or look at me. Or come near me. That would be my dream come true. Instead, I am delectably adorable, which causes folks to constantly want to grope my delicate head with their giant clumsy hands. Or they want to scratch me. Or shove their wiggling fingers under my nose as though I would ever want to lick them. Let me be clear: I want none of this. I am small. I am wimpy. I NEVER want to be touched (unless I like you and it's morning-time). The people I like are few and far between, and if we're just meeting, I don't like you. If you're a man, I don't like you. If you limp or have any sort of physical abnormality I don't like you- in fact, I often think I want to erradicate you, and I will let you know by giving my best effort to scare you with my most vicious barking and lunging. If you are a child I don't like you. If you show the slightest bit of interest in me I don't like you. If you're walking by me on the street I don't like you. If you come into my house I don't like you. If you come into someone else's house but I am already in there I don't like you. If you look at me for a long time I don't like you. If you have a treat I want, I still don't like you but I will condescend to approach just long enough to snatch it. I will not let you pet me during this exchange- remember, I still don't like you. Even if you have one at home just like me, or your favorite childhood dog was my twin, or your grandmother's sister's cousin's Aunt Tilly once had a pup I remind you of, I don't like you. I know you will be offended by this. You will scratch your head and proclaim, But I'm a dog person- usually dogs love me! But I don't. I don't like you.

Howeeeeeeever, If you are a dog I like you. Or if you truly have zero interest in me whatsoever, causing you to ignore me completely and never glance in my direction, I like you. I might even wag a lot and jump on your leg with joy. You will view this behavior as slightly annoying, hoping it will pass soon, which it will. Because I don't reeeeeally like you that much anyway.